What, it’s December already? Wasn’t it just Halloween? Oh yes, every day is Halloween in my head. I think I do recall something about Thanksgiving whizzing by, now that I mention it. Still, it can’t be Christmas! I haven’t done any of the usual things, those traditional trappings that accompany the season. Haven’t decorated a tree (wait, there is the small wire one on a shelf above my desk — just a minute — okay, scratch that off the list). Haven’t been hearing carols (well, there might’ve been a few snippets in T.V. shows). Haven’t watched a steady stream of holiday movies (I might see some online — soon, very soon). Haven’t joined the jangling mangling throng of shoppers (so of course I haven’t wrapped gifts, which takes care of the next item). Haven’t mailed cards (good grief, I haven’t even bought cards yet). Wow, I am exceptionally behind!
What have I been doing, if not observing such practices?
Writing, I guess. It’s what I generally do day in and day out. It keeps me sane to some extent. I suppose that contributes a measure of merit to the world. We should all strive for that, we really should.
Pondering the meaning of the universe? Nope, I leave that for the birds to decide.
Pondering my New Year’s resolution? Way too many choices.
But I might ponder the meaning of this whole merry mad rush known as Christmastime. Yes, I might do that since I’ve done so little else to mark the occasion.
Let me commence with a disclaimer. These days you can’t be too careful. Things have changed, drastically. People get upset — even trigger-happy — over so many things. Just about anything, it seems, because there are different angles to look at a thing and most things may be offensive to somebody somewhere for some reason! I doubt I can cover every angle, but I’ll try my best: It is not the author’s intent or purpose to injure or omit or otherwise inflame any group or individual by the wording and images and values discussed herein.
Sound technical enough?
I apologize to anyone offended by my tone, as well. Tones can be alarming, difficult to ignore. Even silent ones. It is best, I find, to wear earplugs and eye patches in public or private so as to be fairly tone-deaf. Of course, that works for me but I am not by any means attempting to insinuate that you should do so yourself. I did not especially advise you to operate a motor vehicle or bicycle or walk across a street in such a manner.
Phew, that was close! Hope I didn’t leave anything out.
I’m growing a bit anxious over this entire disclaiming business. I think I should move on.
Most people around the globe are probably familiar with the themes and typical iconic manifestations and festoonings of this season.
With the Internet, exposure to other cultures has spread more than ever regardless of one’s particular beliefs and customs. Therefore, I think it is safe to make this assumption. Many, whatever their creed and preferences, cannot help but be amused or intrigued or swept up into the gala, the fantasy, the revelry of it all. What’s not to love about a jovial white-bearded saint delivering gifts to children? Cute pointy-eared toymakers happily mass-producing playthings without caring about profit margins and wages? Colored lights and whimsical or stunning decorations adorning houses and lanes? People smiling, bustling about with an extra sense of goodwill and a twinkle in their eye? You’ve gotta love it, even if your last name happens to be Scrooge, because it’s something pretty downright rare and extraordinary!
The true meaning behind it all, of course, has to do with a star and the birth of a baby. This story of humble yet magical origins, whether you accept it or not, is responsible for a major occurrence. For augmenting a colossal annual shift and ripple in the tide of Mankind, despite how jaded and jaundiced we may or may not have become.
Think about it. What other event has touched so many, inspired such a spirit of giving and caring and warmth and community? I can’t think of anything that quite compares. Thus, it is certainly something worthy of celebration, or at the very least respect — whatever one’s own beliefs; whichever traditions are honored and embraced; however involved with decorating and festivities you are (or aren’t). Perhaps it simply instills a spark of wonder. A fondness for some aspect, some happy quality that fills the air along with the heart this time of year like the fragrance of cookies baking in an oven.
I, personally, hope we never lose that spirit — and the goal of peace on earth — because it is truly a joy and a miracle to behold. It is the direction a sane and civilized society should be headed, rather than the divisiveness and touchiness so prevalent these days. But I do see hope, I do see the signs of progress. It is possible to believe in such a world. And that’s what Christmas has accomplished for everyone, everywhere, I feel. It has brought us closer by representing the shining best of humanity — beyond commercialism and holiday stress; aside from religious differences, cultural distinctions — the pure unrefined best that we as one race are capable of.
Well, now that I’ve said what I had to say, it’s time to start my next column: What, it’s January already? It can’t be! I’m still in Twenty Ten!
Oops, I almost forgot. I was supposed to write some poems first. I’ll add that to my list . . .
yuleogy
Does a yule have a rule?
Will it make a babe drool?
Could it ride on a mule?
Cause a yarn to unspool?
I’m addressing the topic
Is it rather myopic?
Does it live in a tropic?
Would it look microscopic?
If I write yuleogies
Must I still eat my peas?
Do I have to say please?
Will the word make me wheeze?
Are there yules in Hong Kong
Or while playing ping pong?
Does it have a theme song?
Will it take very long?
Can a yuletide be folded?
When left out is it moulded?
Does it ever get scolded?
Feel warm when it’s holded?
Do yules hibernate?
Could they fit through a grate?
Might they ever run late?
Are they fun to inflate?
If we’re very unyuly
Is it like being truly
Or slightly unduly?
Am I just being foolly?
I have heard of such things
And there might’ve been kings
For the sound of it rings
Like a bell when it dings
If traditions are lost
There is always a cost
Every land is embossed
By the ways they are crossed
I don’t think it’s a crime
To enjoy the yuletime
But if it rattles your chime
Please pardon my rhyme.
DARK CHRISTMAS
In contrast to the mistletude
Of blithely boisterous gifts and food
The lights, the love, the giddy gladding
Of all things nice and sweet and addling —
At times it’s wise to wander off
To maund awry, astray, ascoff
Towards rapier tidings, dismal treats
Leftover from the plundered streets
Of mid-night ghoulish gallivanting
Ravid frothing garpled ranting
Let’s keep the spirits fed and feisties
Amoon, agoon, aggrievent viceties
For inwith lore of dimmer annals
The rusted tomes of wretched channels
One finds the season ’tis less jolly
Abundant lurk the tales of folly
Of naughty woes, undainty bows
Hell-bound with gruesome glee in rows
Like markers for a yard of graves
Wrapped tightly by the grimmest knaves
Where Santa wears a blacker coat
And has an evil chuckling gloat
Where children are not safe these nights
When down the chimney he alights
Far worse than what lies under beds
Whilst fetid visions dance through heads
He rides to houses for a meal
Not cookies, souls and hearts to steal
His sleigh dragged by nine starving hounds
His sack a dripping mess and mound
The letters of this ogre’s name:
Not Santa — Satan is his fame
Whatever he has been known by
You’d best behave or you will fry
And then you’ll freeze and wish for hot
A scrap of peace or hope there’s not
Just thick regrets and bitter ire
Eternal cold and pain and fire
So have a merry cup of wist
And stay off Santa’s Dark Christmas list.
THE MAD ELVES OF MINSTER
There was a town of renown
In the county of Pinster
Where dwelt a small people called
The Mad Elves Of Minster
They were once rather merry
Till just one became rotten
And spoiled the whole bunch
Till that’s how they’d all gotten
It began with a rat
Who crept into their village
To eat all their grain
Every crumb would he pillage
The town crier spied him
And yelped at the varmint
Who chomped the elf’s toe
With rat teeth did he harm it
The bitten would holler
Oh, he screamed bloody murder
Awaking the bakers
Every goat and sheepherder
The weavers grew angry
The milkmaids took it bad
Being summoned too early
Drove the whole city mad
Now the weavers would milk
Thus the milkers must spin
The shepherds watched goats
And vice versa set in
Miners baked mud pies
And scones out of stone
Their muffins were morbid
From pond scum and bone
Pastries were putrid
The cakes were no sweeter
The batter didn’t matter
To the maker or eater
While bakers below them
Carved faces on walls
Rocking and rolling
Through underground halls
The crier was silent
The mayor just fumed
Old ladies were rabid
Old guys simply loomed
Thieves turned to givers
The givers had to take
Whereas healers and ailers
Both took a long break
The only one normal
Not acting insane
Was the verminous rat
Who kept munching their grain
Before they all knew
A rumor had spread
That these Mad Elves Of Minster
Were not right in the head
If you’re ever in Pinster
Veer clear like the flu
Of that wee elven hamlet
Where the converse is true.
bananas
You can feed one to a monkey
Slip and slide across a floor
Hurl them like a boomerang
Give bananas to the poor
Express them to the Orient
Fly them to the moon
Have banana-nog at Christmas
And you’ll feel much better soon
Wear bananas on your hat
Or grow them in a pot
Serve them fried with lots of ketchup
And be sure to eat a lot
Build a boat out of bananas
Or a raft if you prefer
Be ambitious, try a ship
Sculpt the statue of a blur
Paint them in a portrait
Then hang them on display
Be sure their eyes don’t trail you
As you move out of the way
Free them from confinement
Campaign for their release
Send them to a friend
Who could use some elbow grease
Go bananas over something
While you visit an asylum
They’ll invite you to remain
And I dare you to defy ’em.
LITTLE GREEN MEN
Far galaxy striders
Like leggedy spiders
Once landed in furtive droves
The little green men
Swarmed hillock and den
Swiping gingerbread by the loaves
All impish and knavish
A trifle tad cravish
Collecting odd ends and parts
They built a workshop
On the world near the top
Then proceeded to wield their smarts
Abducting a fellow
Quite pleasantly mellow
To pose as their leader in case
Any human suspected
They were lost, misdirected
And landed from outer space!
We know them as elves
Though ’tis not their true selves
For they hail from a distant earth
As sure as a fox
If you wind up a box
They will spring out as if in mirth
Stretching grins that are plastic
With gazes gone spastic
These elvish green men wearing tights
Offer goodies that giggle
Bright wrappings that wiggle
And bagfuls of kiddie delights
Turn no back on this folk
For it isn’t a joke
They have come to collect our smiles
On happy they feed
With a slurpelous greed
Glomming children’s joy with their wiles!
They are sneaky and green
They can even turn mean
If you fail to surrender a chuckle
They may dance and may sing
Then send Nicholas to bring
Back your jubilance using some knuckle
So be careful near holly
If you’re feeling too jolly
Stay away from the chimney at night
Or Kris Kringle may jingle
And nab your glad tingle
And all you’ll have left is the sight
Of those little elf men
Jigging gaily again
As they come back to rob you blind
You won’t know what you’ve seen
If they’re red or they’re green
You might think you were losing your mind!